Voices in my head

1:The Library Episode

I wrote this after having a social anxiety flare over going to d&d club at my local library. I was excited because I always enjoy it but then the self doubt set in. When I arrived I went upstairs where it was quiet and where all the books were. I was half an hour early due to a timing mistake so I checked out some books and sat down to read. I was so anxious I could barely focus so I went to the stairs where there were no people and just sat and breathed. There was nothing I could do to stop the social anxiety. I finally went downstairs and sat on the floor in front of the door. I was still 15 minutes early and the anxiety only got worse. It was all too much. Then I heard laughter coming up the hallway and it was my friends. Suddenly I was okay. I was still anxious, but I could tune it out. What scared me was how freaked out I had been before.



Why can't I do this?
What is so hard about walking 20 steps to the car.
Because it will take me to talk to people.
And I will mess up.
Embarrass myself and then have to go back again next month!
And I'll be too afraid to speak
And as always because it's better than messing up.
No! I will not think like this! I will go to the d&d club at the library!
But why is it so hard to make myself do it?
This was such a bad idea.
Why did I do this again?
STOP IT! Just go and don't worry.
The car ride to the library is not fun.
I think about how my dice set will rattle in their case as I walk up the stairs.
I imagine all the things that people have said to me
You look weird.
Your palms are sweaty. Are you really that scared?
wow . You talk really awkwardly.
They get louder and louder
Echoing in my head as we get closer and closer
To
No! Shut up! You can't let yourself think like that
The voices circle and drown out any lingering hint of excitement
And there mixed with all the other voices closing off the world like a long long fall
down a deep deep dark hole.
A void I have visited before
But you're right.
You look weird.
It's too hard.
Your palms are sweaty. Are you really that scared?
I should stay home.
Stop messing with yourself.
It's only two hours.
Suddenly it all stops.
I get out of the car.
The door slams loudly and i nearly jump
What were you thinking?
This was bad
You should call Mom back and ask her to pick you up.
The automatic doors slide open and the sound of them shutting behind me as I walk through turns my stomach.
The dice in my pocket rattle
Clack Clack Clack
The sound makes me want to run but I can't.
Then the feeling hits me like a wall
I'm in a lobby full of people checking out books.
A child is crying in the corner
While the mother rocks it and holds the two other children gently by the hand as they make dinosaur noises.
She looks as stressed as I feel.
The beeping of the checkout desks rings in my ears
The old man playing music so loud on his earbuds i can hear it
The people talking to each other as if both are deaf
The child squealing in its cradle
The sound of the door opening and shutting
The squeak of rubber on linoleum from the hallway
The elevators beep beep sound
The video game of a toddlers iPad
The feeling of the carpet under my shoes
The lowness of the ceiling
The fabric inside my pocket
The light strobing in the corner
The cold hard edge of my box of dice
The warm trickle of blood as I cut myself slightly on the sharp plastic
Get me out of here
This is too much
I can’t handle this
Then I spot an exit
A group of kids a little younger than me are standing in front of it.
Not in front but to the side of it
It really doesn't make a difference to me
I don't want to be here but I don't want to be near those kids
Shut up! Walk through that door! What an inept idiot you are!
You should have stayed home!
I walk towards the exit and walk past the kids.
The door shuts behind me
I am greeted by silence
I stand and just breathe.
A door opens down the hall and I scurry sideways to the stairwell up to the library section of the building.
I check my watch.
I can't see in the dim light of the stairs so I use the light feature.
The red light bursts in my face and momentary shock runs through me
I have half an hour before d&d starts.
I walk upstairs.
I hold the box in my pocket steady and try not to notice the sensory hell of the blood coating my fingers.
Maybe the cut is worse than I thought.
If i clean it i have to go into the bathroom to do that.
I will have to run it under the cold water and still touch the slimy tap handle after.
And my hands won't be dry because of those damn paper towels.
And the floor is wet and I swear my shoes will stick to it.
And those super bright lights by the mirror
And the squish of soap coming out of the dispenser
And the water getting onto my shirt when i lean over the sink to reach the soap
And the way the door creaks as someone else comes in
And the wet sliding as the paper towel comes off my hand and I throw it away
And the sound it makes as it hits the plastic trash bag
Stop it!
I open my eyes and see the dim stairs I have stopped on.
I didn't even realize my eyes were shut as I reached out my hand to the railing and felt its cold solidness.
Come on its just washing your hands
You panic about everything weirdo.
Go clean that cut before it gets infected dumbass
I don't have time. I want to go find a nice book that has soft pages and smells like old ink.
Clean it! I don't care how unpleasant it is.
But I do!
Enough! You have sterile wipes in your bag!
I clean the cut and toss the wipe in the trash can at the top of the stairs.
It flops wetly inside leaving a red streak on the white plastic
I put the wipes back in my bag and continued up the stairs, careful not to touch the railing.
When I reach the top I peer through the glass pane of the door.
I can practically feel the tension layering the air.
I shift my weight and the dice in my pocket rattle
Clack Clack Clack
No I don't think I'm going in there
Too loud. People will notice!
I should go in and get a book just like everyone else does!
Everyone else doesn't have dice in their pocket that rattle loud enough to wake sleeping beauty!
People are going to look at you.
And you will quickly melt into the bookshelves like the coward you are!
You can't walk past these people if they so much as move or look up. Don't go in!
Yeah I shouldn't.
The door will crack shut behind you and when you walk on the carpet it makes that sound…
Don't start.
I'll just go downstairs and sit in front of the d&d room.
I'll have my phone on and my earbuds in so nobody is gonna talk to me
I’ll be fine. I walk back downstairs and quickly down the hallway, away from the bustling hallway. Here it is dim just like the stairs and it's calmer.
I admire the deep-set windows of the old Abbey they building used to be.
Its original stained glass paints pictures made of light on the cream colored wall by the door to the d&d room.
I sit down under the window and pull out my phone.
The cold of the earbud I place in my ear calms me and mutes some of the anxiety.
I place my hand on the floor next to me with my fingers digging into the carpet
Mistake
I can hear the people in the lobby and the rough fibers of the carpet are digging into my fingers. I think of all the dirt and grime trapped in those layers
Pressing into my skin
The noise from the lobby in on ear
The audiobook in the other
And both of them are getting louder and louder.
No!
Breath.
I calm down and remove the air pod carefully not to let it touch the still throbbing cut.
Then I hear footsteps
A familiar laugh.
I snap the air pod case shut and stand up.
I see my friends walking towards me laughing.
Smiling unconcerned.
“Lee! You won’t believe what happened at school today!”
“Really what?”
Slowly the knot in my stomach loosens.
The panic recedes, growing smaller as I follow my friends into the room.
My hand still shakes slightly when I close the door behind me
But from relief instead of anxiety
I am still anxious
but I can distract myself with people i feel safe with
But I am safe
And I am calm
And even though the knot in my stomach remains it is smaller and I can breathe.

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